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Jaeger's Blog

November 18th, 2008
Credit where credit is due...

(Warning - this blog entry contains man-boob!)

If you've been following the Bone Football Pool this year, you've probably noticed that I've been dead last among the Bone jocks for most of the season. I'll admit it, I don't follow football all that much, and I don't know a damn thing about picking games. In fact, for most of the beginning of the season, I was using a ouija board to make my pics (hey, it was better than just picking randomly). But, that wasn't working out so well, so I decided to turn to an expert for help. I enlisted the assistance of my buddy, and football guru, Jer Himself, "The Vegas Yeti." You may have heard me reference him on the air, but I wanted to take some space here in my blog to thank the man, and give him credit for helping to bump me up in the scores - he went 12 and 2 last week. Here he is - the game-picking guru Himself, and the dude responsible for Jaeger's rise in the Bone Football Pool - "The Vegas Yeti," Jer Himself.

Thanks, Bro!

November 17th, 2008
I don't even know what to say about this...

I think the picture speaks for itself.

Two in the...uh, yeah. Is it just me, or is that the shocker? Along with this one, I think these are the two greatest pictures of our president I've ever seen.

Metal motherf**kers!!

November 13th, 2008
Scratching off one more item from the Rock 'n Roll Disc Jockey Bucket list...

#126. Judge a stripper contest.

Thanks to all the folks at Centerfolds here in San Francisco for all their hospitality last night, and for inviting myself, Baby Huey, Joe Rock, and Sully to serve as judges for their 2009 Showgirl of the Year contest. It was an awesome time with some very beautiful women. Check out the winner... (just kidding)

November 11th, 2008
Radio humor. Another peek behind the microphones....

www.krud.com/toons.html

November 10th, 2008
A peek behind the microphone...
Top 20 Things Your Disc Jockey Is Most Likely Doing While The 15-Minute Live Version of "Freebird" Is Playing

1. Taking a smoke break out in front of the building.
2. Exactly. Number two. 'Nuff said.
3. Flirting with a random listener on the phone.
4. Taking an angry call from a listener about something stupid the DJ on before you said.
5. Getting hot-lined by the program director for something stupid you just said.
6. Surfing for porn on company computers.
7. Surfing for the latest rumors regarding that Led Zeppelin reunion tour.
8. Taking a call from someone asking what song that is you're playing (Dude, it's "Freebird").
9. Trying to shake a bag of chips out of the vending machine.
10. Making another pot of coffee.
11. Sleeping.
12. Running around the studio playing air-guitar.
13. Mooning the people in the office building next door from the studio window.
14. Worrying about getting fired (from my buddy Jake who does radio in Aspen).
15. Writing stupid lists.
16. Trying to figure out how to say what you want to say in your next break without incurring a fine from the FCC.
17. Having sex (Yeah, right.)
18. Cutting some commercials so you can leave as soon as your shift ends.
19. Recovering from partying too late after the concert the night before.
20. Daydreaming about being a rockstar (instead of just hanging out with them).

October 17th, 2008
The Jaeger Radio Drinking Game

That's right, movies have them, TV shows have them...hell, even presidential debates have them, and now, so does your radio. Here it is: "The Jaeger Radio Drinking Game." Hangin' out and listening to Jaeger on the weekend? Crack open a beer and join the fun*. Here are the rules:

1. Take 1 drink anytime I say my name (Jaeger).
2. Take 1 drink anytime you hear me mention an upcoming or past concert.
3. Take 1 drink anytime I mention free tickets.
4. Take 1 drink anytime you hear the Bone Rock Artist of the Week.
5. Take 2 drinks anytime you hear a caller on the air.
6. Take 2 drinks anytime I mention another Bone DJ.
7. Take 2 drinks anytime I mention 1077thebone.com
8. Take 2 drinks anytime I talk about the weather.
9. Take 3 drinks anytime I play a Boneyard B-side.
10. Drink an entire beer anytime you hear me hit the "dump" button.

* Please play The Jaeger Radio Drinking Game responsibly. If you feel that you are becoming, or may become, intoxicated beyond a responsible level while playing The Jaeger Radio Drinking Game, stop immediately. I am not responsible for your actions, or any trouble you may get into after playing this game. In other words, don't get hammered and do something stupid and then try to sue me.

Friday, October 10, 2008
Happy Fleet Week!

So, it's Fleet Week. I want to take a quick second to give a big welcome to all the men and women of the US Navy, and other branches of the US military who will be in the Bay Area this weekend. Respect. If you're out on the town and happen so see someone in a uniform, make sure to buy them a drink. No matter what your politics, they put their ass on the line for all of us. Of course, this is also a big weekend for the women of the Bay Area as well. They'll all be getting dolled up and heading out to the bars in North Beach to try to land themselves a sailor. Good luck, gals. Sailors, beware; our Nor Cal women are fierce.

So, welcome to all the members of the US military who will be in town this weekend. I hope everybody has a fun Fleet Week.

Friday, October 10, 2008
Some Fleet Week Navy Humor

My friend Sarah is in the Navy and last year around Fleet Week time she forwarded me some e-mail Navy in-jokes. Here they are for your Fleet Week entertainment. Keep in mind, none of this is meant, by me, to be disrespectful to the Navy; all these reasons were contributed by people in the Navy, and in fact, should give us an even greater appreciation for how much they have to put up with defending our country. Ha!

REASONS WHY: "I AM STAYING NAVY"

1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.

3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?)

4. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose.

5. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the navy who out-rank me.

6. Being a grown man and having somebody inspecting me everyday to make sure I shaved, put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.

7. Where else would I have the chance to be stuck on a ship with a couple hundred people in the middle of nowhere for six months at a time?

8. Standing "watch."

9. Being guaranteed at least two hours of sleep for every 24 hour period of time.

10. Getting relieved late after standing watch for four hours with a bullet-proof vest on, a 20lb helmet, and a 20lb rifle in the middle of a typical Floridian summer day.

11. I couldn't live without having to write a "request-chit" to do anything other than breathe or wipe my ass, only to have it disapproved and turned down with a lame ass reason as to why they turned it down.

12. Where else do you get the chance to spend every night in a bed the size of a shelf in a typical closet?

13. Without the navy's influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains.

14. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for "muster."

15. If you really want to have fun in life the best way is to go live on a ship all year round even when it is in port, and only go visit your relatives and friends back home once or twice a year, after begging for three months for your boss to let you go and rescheduling your trip 3 times to fit the ship's schedule.

16. Knowing what words like "scuttlebutt" and "bulkhead" actually mean.

17. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled "not fit for human consumption" and "for institutional use only."

18. Where else would you have the chance to be out at sea for 38 days straight, about ten miles off the coast of the Virgin Islands and not pull into a port once? What really made that great was that the captain told us we were going to pull in every week, then we never did. It is really good for your mental health to be strung-along like that.

19. Waking up every morning and going to "quarters" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the ships internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

20. Wearing the same uniform as an auto-mechanic and having to iron it everyday and get a new one every time it gets a stain on it so that you are inspection-ready.

21. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet iguana's. The only opinions that matter come from people wearing khakis.

22. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar.

23. I love living in a room with 180 other guys; half of which cannot lift a toilet seat to piss and don't have a clue what a shower is for.

24. Having the bedroom, showers, and toilettes for the above listed 180 guys in one stinky room.

25. I hate sleeping. Go Navy ! Yeah f*cking right.

26. I hate good food.

27. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

28. I hate spending time with my family.

29. There just aren't many fields to work in where adultery is considered to be a good thing to put on your eval.

30. Because no-one outside of the navy speaks our particular brand of English. Try explaining how you swabbed the deck on the forecastle (but only the slick-deck), while field daying. And how the head was OOC so you had to get water for the cadillac from the scuttlebutt, but seaman Jones was sky-larking so you had to put him on report...I mean Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: it's enough to make you say FTN.

31. I want a job that will not allow me to go home and see the birth of my child. I think that it would be cool to have four kids and not see any of their births.

32. Hey, at least you can retire from the navy in twenty years. When you get out you can go work at a company with a former third class that you treated like shit, only difference from then and now is that he will be your boss.

33. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

34. I like to watch the same movies over and over for six months straight because that is the only form of entertainment I have.

35. What? You are going on leave? You better go and shave before you leave this ship.

36. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?

37. Is that local time or Zulu?

38. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my ass.

39. Please seclude me from the outside world for six months; I want no news, no sports, and no word from home because you cut off my e-mail. Thank you, may I have another?

40. "Sorry guys, the fog is too heavy for us to pull in. I guess we'll have to just anchor out and look at the basin all night. "

41. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?

42. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.

43. We spend weeks honing our skills at making our ship air-tight and then when it rains water gets in.

44. Because only during magic shows and navy working hours are the rules of logic suspended.

45. I like constantly fighting the gravitational pull from leaning 10 degrees one way ALL the time.

46. I like getting my mail two months late.

47. Nothing beats being told that you can't email your family and friends, unless you wear a tan belt. Again Go Navy...f*ck that too.

48. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?

49. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?

50. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the NAVY WAY?

51. I want to eat nothing but fish and/or chicken and rice as the main course of every meal for six months straight.

52. Here's an idea...Lets go to work at 7:00 am, get underway at 4:00pm, keep working until we have a General Quarters Drill at 10:00pm that lasts until midnight or 1:00 in the morning. Then we can wait in line to take our showers in the nasty ass shower stalls and go to sleep for maybe 3 hours just to get up and do the same exact thing the next day.

53. Put some of these reasons in the Navy commercials with the Godsmack music and see how many people the Navy suckers in then.

September 30th, 2008
Jaeger's Money Saving Tips

The markets are crashing, gas prices are skyrocketing, and the economy is quickly headed south. In times like these, I figure it's time to turn to the experts to help us through these troubled times; and when it comes to living cheap on a limited budget, there is no greater expert than your radio disc jockey. So, as a public service, here are some tricks I've learned that will help you save money.

1. Listen to the radio. It's the only truly free entertainment left out there.

2. Moonshine your own booze.

3. Shower with a friend (yeah, it's a classic, but it's one of the greatest ways to save on your water bill)

4. Go to a museum on the free day. It's usually something like the first Tuesday of every month.

5. Find religion. They'll give you a free cracker and a sip of wine every Sunday, sometimes two or three times in the day.

6. Eat like a college student, and by that I mean ramen noodles. For extra flavor, add a packet of Taco Bell hot sauce.

7. Buy your alcohol in the greatest possible volume. Per ounce, a 12 pack is cheaper than a 6 pack, a sixer is cheaper than a 24 ounce can, and a 24 ounce can is cheaper than a 16-ounce tall-boy.

8. ...following rule #6, Buy your booze at a grocery store; it's cheaper than the corner liquor sto'.

9. Save on your electricity bill by turning off your heading and cooling. Wear an extra sweater inside during the winter; go nude in the summer.

10. Hit the sperm bank. Dude, they pay you to do what you're doin' anyway.

11. Sneak your own booze into the bar. If a flask is too obvious, empty out an old cologne spray bottle and fill it up with peppermint schnaps. Tell people it's breath spray.

12. Grow your own... vegetables.

13. Go spare-changin' in the couch.

14. Buzz all your hair off and then grow it out. You won't have to spend money on a haircut for the next two years and we can bring back the traditional long-haired rocker look.

15. Find all the wineries in your area that do free tasting. Visit them all, get hammered without spending a dime.

16. Drink at mexican restaurants. Free chips and salsa is another way to save on food costs.

17. Become a gigolo.
_ Step 1. Save up some money.
_ Step 2. Buy a nice shirt.
_ Step 3. Find a rich woman (I suggest hanging around Walnut Creek for _ this)
_ Step 4. Treat her right, and let her be your sugar-mama.

18. (a variation on rule # 17) Find a girlfriend who is either a security guard at a major concert venue, or a bartender.

19. Buy a monkey. Teach him pickpocketing skills... and drink-stealing skills.

20. Make use of your local public library.

21. Go inside to the bank teller for withdrawals and other transactions, or get cash when you go to the grocery store - it's two bucks every time you use the friggin' ATM, and besides, it's because of those f**kers at the bank that we're in this damn mess in the first place; who wants to give them even TWO more dollars?

22. Instead of buyng flowers to give your girlfriend (or prospective sugar-mama/bartender/security guard), clip them from a neighbor's yard. But make sure it's at least a few blocks away so she doesn't figure out where you got them from.

23. We live in the bay area. There are plenty of universities around. Take part in as many paid studies that Cal, UCSF, USF, or any one else, are offering that you can.

24. Find a local bar, or rec. center with a free pool table. Learn pool skills. Become a shark. Learn to hustle.

25. Find a better paying job at cumulus jobs.com (Ha! how's that for a cheap plug!)

26. If you can't afford to go out drinking, but don't want anyone to know it, bring a little bottle of yellow food coloring with you to the bar. Order a water. Squeeze a little food coloring in there. Tell people you're drinking a pilsner, or some other light-colored beer.

27. Ride a bicycle.

28. Buy generic

29. Learn to roll your own cigs.

30. Forget rolling. Use a pipe, or a bong - you'll save $ on papers.

31. Use matches. They're free. Every little bit helps, even the money you'll save on not buying lighters, especially if you've friends who are lighter thieves.

32. Downgrade from ganj to mex. Sometimes you gotta make sacrifices, man; or just buy in bulk.

33. Harvest the cans and bottles from public recycling bins and turn them in for cash (should I be embarrassed that my roommate and I actually did this in college?)

34. Every woman says she likes long romantic walks on the beach. So forget the expensive dinner and take her to the beach. That s**t is free! Bring a bottle of your bulk-purchased booze. If you really want so save money, meet in the evening after dinnertime. You can buy her breakfast if she's still there in the morning. That way your meal purchase will have been worth it.

35. Shop at the thrift store. The retro look is back in style anyway.
36. ...on that note, go up into the attic and take out any old concert shirts that you don't wear anymore and put them up for sale on E-bay for a bunch of money. You know that Stryper "Live in '87" shirt that you've got? Some hipster will pay top dollar for it because it's vintage and "ironic."

37. Drink inexpensive wine - without looking like it.
_ Step 1. Buy expensive bottle of wine. Drink. Keep cork.
_ Step 2. Buy a case of 2-Buck Chuck (remember, bulk purchases)
_ Step 3. Fill expensive wine bottle with 2-Buck Chuck.
_ Step 4. Serve to guests. If they complain, loudly echo their sentiments _ _ and gripe that "it must've been a bad bottle."
_ Step 5. Save expensive wine bottle.
_ Step 6. Repeat.

38. Save money on laundry by hanging your clothes to dry.

39. Take any cd's you don't regularly listen to, rip them into your computer, sell the cd's to your local used record store.

40. Learn magic tricks and use them to get people to buy you drinks at the bar (ex. "You want to see me pull a rabbit out of my hat? Ok, but first you have to buy me a beer. I don't perform for free").

41. Use your home phone for local calls. that way you're not using your minutes. Better yet, if you've got a cell phone plan with enough minutes, cancel your home phone alltogether.

42. Join the folks down at the pier fishing for dinner in the San Francisco Bay. Just kidding...Do you know how much pollution is in that s**t? I wouldn't trust it. Of course, if you live near cleaner waters, it might not be a bad idea.

43. Use towels or cloth napkins instead of paper towels.

44. Do household maintenance yourself. Though your ol' lady might not like it, tell her that with the money you save by not hiring a plumber or a handyman, you'll buy her a nice bottle of wine (see Tip #37).

45. Replace your lawn with a "Zen Garden." That way, you can save money on water and on gas for your lawn mower. Hell, you can even sell your lawnmower. Here's how to do it:
_ Step 1. Let lawn die.
_ Step 2. Drive to beach. Fill up truck with sand.
_ Step 3. Dump sand in front yard.
_ Step 4. Find 5 or 6 big rocks and put in yard.
_ Step 5. Use rake to make swirly designs in sand.
_ Step 6. Meditate.

46. If you just can't afford your rent or your mortgage anymore, put in your 30-days notice and buy a gym membership. That way, you can live out of your car and still have a place to shower and change every day.

47. 2 words: Malt Liquor. Why do you think it's popular in the ghetto? Because it's cheap! (buy in bulk, if possible - see rule #7)

48. Cancel your cable service, you can always watch YouTube (that Huey Cam s**t is hilarious!).

49. Cancel your internet service, you can listen to the radio for free.

50. If you are truly in dire financial straits and need to conserve every penny you can, then use Jaeger's C.P.O. method.

What is the C.P.O.? Cheapest Possible Option. Use it to help make decisions. ex. I want to buy a bottle of wine to drink tonight. Do I get the $10 bottle I like, or do I get the $5 bottle? The $5 bottle is the C.P.O. I want to go out and party tonight. Do I go out in The City, or stay in the East Bay and go to my local bar? The local bar is the C.P.O. Do I want the brand name can of beans, or do I want the generic can of beans? The generic can of beans is the C.P.O. Do I watch TV and keep paying my cable bill, or do I cancel my cable bill and listen to Jaeger on the radio? Listening to Jaeger on the radio is the C.P.O.

September 29th, 2008
"Miller And A Muffin" Mark

I referenced my buddy "Miller And A Muffin" Mark on my show on Saturday and I said I'd post the story of how he got his nickname up here on the Bonesite, so here it is. Mark is a guy I've known for a long time, and he's a really great dude; one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. Mark loves the booze and loves to party, though.

The story of how he got his name comes from the morning after a night of partying while I was at San Francisco State. Mark and my other buddy Mike came over to hang out in The City for the weekend and on Saturday night we ended up over at Park Merced raging it up with some chicks I knew who lived over there. We crashed at the girls' apartment and when we woke up Sunday morning everybody was hurting pretty bad.

Mark was looking especially haggard. He came in the room looking totally scruffy, complete with messed up hair, 5 o'clock shadow, and a burn-hole in the front pocket of his flannel from having dropped a lit joint in it the night before. As we all crawled out of bed and off the floor to make coffee, Mark decided that he wanted to walk down to the corner store and get a "recovery beer." So, we gave him detailed directions on how to get there, and he set off.

Two hours later, Mark was still gone. The store was only 2 blocks away, so we were kind of worried, but finally Mark re-appeared. We asked him where he'd gone, and he said that he hadn't been able to find the corner store, so he kept walking until he found a shopping center (Stonestown). He said he walked around for a while looking for somewhere to buy some booze and finally found a little coffee cart in the basement of Nordstrom's that had beer.

"Well, what did you get?" someone asked.
"I walked up to the cart and ordered a Miller and a muffin." We all started laughing our asses off. He had a confused look on his face and said,
"What?"
"Dude, your scruffy lookin' ass walked into a Nordstrom's at 9:00am on a Sunday morning and ordered a Miller and a muffin from their coffee cart..."
He thought for a second and then said, "Yeah... now that you mention it, the girl did look at me kinda funny."

Ever since then, he's known as "Miller And A Muffin" Mark.

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